Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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