I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize