Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
