we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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