Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
