Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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