He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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