Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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