Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
