If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize