saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
