He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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