I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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