Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
