We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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