note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
