Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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