Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize