Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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