he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
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