I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
