i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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