capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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