Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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