Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
pop tarts are not kleenex
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
