i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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