Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
