We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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