i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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