she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
