Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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