it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
