It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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