It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
