My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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