So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
