I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
