I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
