I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
