I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
