Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
