Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
