Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
