i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
