Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
