I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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