We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
