oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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