I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize