True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
