I think im going to throw up on grandma
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
