FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
