Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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