I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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