I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
