I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
