Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I need to stop coming to work sober
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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