Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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